My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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