that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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