I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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