hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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