Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize