just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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