I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
