WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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