Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Randomize
