Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
