whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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