so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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