WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
