The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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