I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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