It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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