the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize