Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
