and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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