why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
