Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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