people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
His hands were made for my vagina.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
