I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
