It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
