happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
My balls are so social today.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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