I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
