textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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