I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Drake has all the answers
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
