She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
