You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
