I showed him my bush... on skype.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
