Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
