He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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