dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
