dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
