you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
