I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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