I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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