sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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