I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
