i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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