The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
