So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
