Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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