so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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