We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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