1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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