I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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