Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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