There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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