TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
