Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
