oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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