If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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