Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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