When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
