How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
