Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
