he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
We are two peas in an std pod
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
