I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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