His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She told me I should be a condom model.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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