Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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